Man United 0-2 Newcastle

&c

You've seen United, now f*ck off home.

In an absolutely unbelievable turn of events, Newcastle travelled to Old Trafford (aka the Theatre of Memes) as clear favourites and actually won comfortably.

In fact, comfortable is the wrong word.

In the opening half hour, it was men against kittens, as Ruben Amorim's hapless charges did their best impression of a team who have never played football before, let alone 3-4-3.

For reasons unknown, Man U lined up with two geriatrics practically on zimmer frames against the league's most dynamic and complete midfield trio, at least on current form.

Bruno back to his best, growing into the captaincy; Joelinton being Joelinton; and oh my word, Sandro Tonali being an absolute beautiful footballer, taking the ball in all areas, covering miles and miles, progressing the ball with raking passes.

After blistering starts in the last two games, the raucous away following had to wait a full four minutes for Alex Isak to head home a (slightly deflected) peachy cross from Lewis Hall (and such is the rise of Hall's star, he probably meant the deflection - there can't be a better left back in the league at the minute).

5' 1" centre half Martinez decided he wanted nothing to do with Isak in the six yard box as he nodded in down past Onana.

And yet again, Isak fluffed a one-on-one chance to double the lead, opting for a chip when a low shot across the keeper was surely the only option, but instead gently lofted it into Onana's hands.

I could hear John Anderson from Tyneside shouting "aaaAAARGH JUSTPUTITINTHENET", but we didn't have to wait long for the second as we absolutely, in no uncertain terms, HAMMERED Man United on their own patch.

The second came in the 19th minute, again from a cross from the left, this time from Gordon, and 4' 9" centre half Martinez stood absolutely no chance against a full-flow Joelinton, who forced the ball in via a combination of shoulder and upper arm.

And only at this point did Man Reds properly fall to pieces, as Newcastle toyed with them with quick passes around the edge of the box, and Tonali hitting the post when a finish would have made for one of the best goals I've ever seen.

I cannot stress enough how incredible the spectacle was to watch.

This was nothing like going to a lower league team in the cup, or playing a bottom of the league team.

There was absolutely no semblance whatsoever of Man United having any idea of how to do the basics of football.

Had it carried on, an absolute landslide would surely have been on the cards.

Unfortunately, around the half hour mark Amorim suddenly realised his tactics weren't working and hauled off young striker Zirkzee off to be replaced by Mainoo.

He was jeered off and went straight down the tunnel, only to be sent back to the bench to sit sulking with his hood up.

To think he's only a small part of the £600m or so they've spaffed up the wall on players for their former manager, none of whom seem to fit the system that the new manager is completely wedded to.

What a shame.

And from there, the game was pretty much done, as we decided that we'd stick with our two goals.

Very little happened, save for a couple of hilarious Casemiro "shots".

And so after a bleak autumn and early winter, we go into 2025 brimming with optimism.

A very Happy New Year to all of my two readers (hi mam), and health, wealth, happiness and a Man U relegation to you all.